The act that I put on everyday is something I wish I didn’t do. But I’ve gotten so used to faking how I feel in front of others that it’s kind of just a natural thing now and it’s hard. Look at the people I care about and tell them I’m fine. When I know I’m far from it. The word ok doesn’t even exist in my dictionary. I may say it but never mean it. It sucks going to family gatherings or places with crowds because the little things get under my skin and it eats at me till I freak but it’s ok. I keep it in but like my mom says control your frustration. But I don’t know how to explain it because the level of frustration and irritation that I feel is unbearable. I get the urge to scream and rip my hair out but I keep it all in till my hands start shaking. But it’s ok I put on a mask for the world because they don’t need to know the pain that I go through. It’ll make no difference to me whether they know or don’t. It’ll just change the fact that they know and make them feel sorry for me which is something I don’t want. I don’t need their pity. How I feel is unexplainable, the fake act is uncalled for, but to me it’s reasonable enough to keep it going. It is right no of course not but that’s all I’ve known since I told myself this is how it’s gonna be. My pain and trauma isn’t gonna disappear. The memories are gonna haunt me till the day I die. How I keep myself from crying in front of everyone and act like I’m ok or say I’m just tired, it’s an ACT. The way I sometimes smile, it’s an ACT. When someone tries to talk to me and I seem interested or try to respond but the only things that come out are short answers, it’s all fake. My own mom doesn’t even know what to believe anymore; she doesn’t know when I’m ok or not. At this point I think she’s figured out that I’m not at all. The way I walk into a room of people and I’m already annoyed without anyone saying a word or even looking at me.What kills me is not understanding why it happens. It just makes no sense there are times where it’s not always like that or maybe it’s all just another act. At this point I think I’m fooling myself. But like I said it’s ok right? I don’t know if I’ll ever truly move on but all I know is that I can keep trying. Even if it’s not for myself and it’s for the ones I love. Even if I don’t even think I truly know what that word means anymore at least me trying for them means that I love them. I try to not pretend and some days I really don’t. But the days I don’t feel myself is the day I act the most.
Be normal
Ever wonder what it would be like if you were normal. I wonder what it would be like to just be a normal teenager. To have normal teenage problems. Where all I have to worry about or be upset about are my grades or the guy that breaks up with me. Not trauma, depression, anxiety, or any mental disorders. But that’s not how it works. I wish it did because I’m tired of feeling the way I feel every day. Sometimes I start getting frustrated and take it out on my little sisters and it’s hard because they look up to me, but the only thing they can see is that I’m being mean to them and it kills me because there are times were I just can’t hold in my frustration and irritation, and I want to do bad but the smallest things get to me and I don’t know how to make it stop. My mom tells me to control it but it’s a lot easier said than done. I try so hard to keep my emotions in and I have meltdowns but lately I’ve kept it all in and it’s killing me from the inside out. But It’s getting to the point where I don’t even know how to be me. But it’s ok, all I can keep doing is try. If you feel this way know that you’re not the only one and all we can keep doing is try our best.
My thoughts take over my mind
I don’t know how to put this except for, I feel like I’m dying day by day, and all I can do is feel myself slip away. I just want to be put out of my misery. All this is doing is torturing me, just let me go. All that goes through my mind is to let me go it’s the best thing you can do for me. When they ask what I want, what I want is to get lost in my nightmares and never come back. I’ve already lived through them half my life. Still living in them right now. You know that moment you hold your breath Under water and you feel like you’re gonna run out of air. That’s how I feel everyday. I’ve gotten so good at hiding it,faking it, keeping it in, that at this point I’m only fooling myself. It kills me knowing that I’ll never be able to get away from my past. It’s like a disease taking more and more away from me. Has anyone ever told you that life’s too short? If so, that’s not completely true, at least not for people who have a hard time. To us life is way too long and we feel like it can’t go any faster. There’s this quote that most of us know and we all probably feel this way. “ life hurts a lot more than death.” That’s how a lot of us feel. The things that go through my mind are things I can’t even explain. Every day I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t recognize the person staring back at me because the disease is taking everything away from me, it’s my identity, my way of caring about anything or anyone. The only thing that it’s left me with is feeling numb. Then there are days where that feeling of feeling numb goes away and everything that was gone comes back up to the surface and crashes me like a wave and I try to keep swimming but it’s so overwhelming that it keeps drowning me and that feeling of gasping for air goes away. Till you hear a voice that tells you to keep swimming and you get back up and the only thing I can think of is why did you save me I was ready to go. What I think about is why keep me here when all I wanna do is dive deep down and never come up. The things that cross my mind I can never get rid of because in a way they feel like they’re a part of me and they’re controlling me, and I’m so scared because I’ve lost control and the worst part is that the thing I’m mostly scared of is myself. It’s like there our two different people living in one body and one’s telling me to keep going and there’s so much to live for, but there’s the other one that terrifies me because it tell me you have nothing to look forward to who are you trying to fool and tells me to keep everything in and brings the worst memories that you couldn’t even imagine of and the only thing i can do is sit there and watch it take my life from me. Like it once did when HE did all those things to me and I just gave up and stayed there. Now it’s happening all over again and the one thing that I’m supposed to have control over I can’t even control it and that’s myself. That’s a shame but the biggest shame is that I want to take my life from me. Wait no. The biggest shame is that I don’t seem to feel guilty for wanting to leave everyone behind. Think of this if you were in my place please tell me you wouldn’t feel the things I feel, tell me you wouldn’t want to leave this world behind, whether you believe that there’s an afterlife , or not, but to me that doesn’t even seem to matter. I feel like I would do them all a favor. Yes they would grieve but years down the road they would move on and not worry about me. I know they all think that I want to take my life away from me and the sad part is they are not wrong. Last time my mother saved my life, and if I’m being 100% honest, if I tried again I don’t know if this time anyone could save me. But it’s ok you don’t have to worry I won’t try it again I’ll keep it in even if I have the urge to do it. But I’ll keep going mom, don’t worry I know it hurts you.
My Story, Part 2
I remember every night. I would sit in bed against the wall, holding my knees with a blanket over me. Hoping that he wouldn’t come but I knew he would. I was too afraid to lay down and fall asleep because I knew he was about to do it. When he would come in, he wouldn’t even say anything except for if you don’t do as I say I’m gonna hurt your mom and sister, and make things worse for you. How can it get any worse than my own father doing things to me that a father should not do to his daughter. A father is supposed to love and care for his daughter, not do things to her that a father should not do. But after him doing it for so long and no one believing me I just gave up on fighting. I wouldn’t cry or scream or do anything I just laid there like I was dead. I wish I was though because what he did to me I can never forget about it, no matter how deep I push it, it’ll never go away. I’ll never look at it any differently than as it took my childhood away, my innocence, and broke me. If this is happening to you please I’m begging don’t hesitate to get help if you’re in the same situation as me. Things are a lot different now.There are some good people out there that can help you. Where I grew up it was difficult and different. If you are wondering why I would share something this personal is because I want to help someone that is going through I went through and t on get help. I didn’t have anyone like this when I was younger. Normally I wouldn’t talk about this, especially this part of my life.
My Story, Part 1
When I was younger I didn’t have a normal childhood. I had to raise my sister pretty much by myself and I protected her from what he was doing to me. I was 5 years old when she was born and I was left home alone to take care of her. But to be honest those were the best days because I knew he wasn’t home to do anything to me. But they were also the worst days because I knew that if he wasn’t home during the day when he got home he’d come and find me. If I didn’t listen he’d threaten both of them but I mostly cared about my sister if he would do anything to her or hurt her. He used to say if you keep screaming I’m gonna hurt your sister. I would sit there crying yelling in my head someone please save me. Of course no one ever came. I went through that for 10 years of my life. I tried getting help but adults didn’t trust me because I was a little girl. Of course no one’s gonna believe a little girl over an adult. But please don’t hesitate to tell someone you trust. Trust me the sooner the better.
Mental Health should be taken seriously
Mental health is a very serious problem that teens and even adults go through. It doesn’t matter what age you are. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, whatever mental health disorder you have it’s serious. But most people don’t take it seriously. If it’s not a real injury that they can physically see then they won’t believe you. But you can physically see that someone is in pain so please if someone tells you how they feel don’t push them away. Just take the time to hear them out and listen to help them out. It is a serious thing that can lead down the wrong path. The reason most teens start getting addicted to drugs, drinking and the most important one self harm, which can lead to suicide. It’s because they’re depressed and they need help and someone to listen to them. People who don’t take mental health seriously make me mad. It’s just as real as a broken boy to me, it’s worse than a broken bone. But most people don’t see that. So please if you are a teen who is going through something tell someone. Talk to anyone, it can even be me. That’s the whole reason I’m creating this app is for people like us to help each other.
My feelings EVERYDAY
The way I feel everyday. It’s kind of hard to put it in words because I don’t really know how to explain the pain I feel every single day. I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes because I hurt so much and I keep myself from crying and it kills me. But I don’t want to cry anymore. It only satisfies me for a moment then I go back to feeling how I felt before it’s not a release of pain or everything I’ve been holding in. I feel like I’m dying everyday and I just want it to stop. let it be the last time. I feel physically and mentally exhausted and drained. I barely eat and sleep throughout the night because of my dreams, they take over my body and mind. I feel paralyzed. But I still keep going because I know that if I give up I’m just gonna cause others pain. Why would I want to cause others pain when that’s all I feel? But I’m still here for my mom cause I know how she feels. She sees me and sees that I’ve given up. She cries every Sunday morning because she doesn’t know how to help me. What hurts her more is that she knows I don’t want help or do anything to make myself better. She feels hopeless because she can’t help her own daughter. All she wants to do is take my pain, but all I keep saying is I’ll keep trying, but at this point who am I fooling but myself. All she keeps saying is that she want to be in my place but what I say is no, no you don’t because if you were you’d feel what I feel and want to leave this world behind, no matter the good memories the bad ones take over, but people say don’t let them it’s kind hard to do that when it’s already too late. When people ask you what you are most afraid of and someone next to you says spiders and you say yourself or being alone, when you know you’re not alone because there are people that love you and would die for you but mentally you feel alone. You are not alone. I know how you all feel but I’m still here so please stay with me and fight through even if you don’t feel like it.
Everyday Struggle
If some of you have a hard time at school, like I do because of everything that’s going on inside of you. know that you’re not alone. There are so many of us that struggle everyday. to get up in the morning and go to school. where you feel judged and criticized because of what you’re going through. I know what it’s like. I have meltdowns and start crying at school because I get so frustrated. I feel like I can’t go any longer. I just want the next second to happen, while everyone else waits for the next minute to happen. I have to sit there and hear all these other teenagers, make jokes about their parents killing them, their gonna beat me if do this , and hear girls or even guys in the hallways joking around and yelling rape. I’m just sitting there like if only they truly knew what it was like. then they wouldn’t be joking around about stuff like that. if only they knew the jokes they make everyday. other kids their age around them are going through the things they joke about. There have been so many times where I just wanted to yell and tell them what I’ve been through, and that their jokes aren’t funny. Just look around you there are kids around you that are going through the jokes y’all make, and y’all don’t even know it. But they are so self absorbed. that they don’t care about anyone but themselves, and they make their jokes to someone who might be going through something like that, but they don’t know how to respond except with go along, because their too afraid that if they say something they’re gonna make jokes, about it and make them feel ashamed, look down on them like their not worth it so they go along with it. but on the inside we are crying and yelling. wake up and see us look at what we’re going through. stop making jokes you don’t understand. But we all know that it’s not gonna work like that because deep down we know their just dumb teens who don’t care.
The S word.
The thing I’m about to say is the thing that crosses every person’s mind. That suffers from mental health disorders. It’s called SUICIDE. That’s a word I’ll never forget. It almost took my life from me, it brought me shame and disappointment, but what I don’t seem to get is why I don’t seem to regret it. I almost brought pain to the ones that care the deepest, but yet that didn’t seem to stop me wanting to take my life, my pain, my suffering away. Now everyday I look at my wrist and see the scars and all I can think is what stopped me and what would it be like if I went through with it. Suicide takes everything away from you steal’s your life your loved ones and yourself. It might take the pain away but it also destroys so much. on Monday April 4 at 3:25pm. I remember that day very well. To be honest I don’t even know what I was trying to do. I don’t know if I was trying to end things or to just feel something else then what I was feeling. All I know is that if it wasn’t for my mom I wouldn’t be here right now sharing this with y’all. I called her and told her I needed help. That day I let everything I’d been holding in out. I destroyed my room, threw things everywhere and hurt myself, while my brother was home. I broke down and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. After that day I told my mom I wouldn’t hurt myself anymore and that I would try. It’s hard to try though when you don’t want to anymore. But I keep going wanting to at least get that feeling of wanting to get better again. My advice to all of you out there no matter the age is to please stop acting before you think then act. Find another way to make yourself satisfied with what you’re feeling because hurting yourself, doing drugs, fighting, acting in any way that includes self harm or violence towards others, and addictions just makes us as bad as the people that hurt us. I’m still trying to work on believing that myself.
Nightmares
I have some pretty traumatic dreams, nightmares, memories whatever you want to call them. Their not like any other dream you’d think. Their memories from my past that haunt me till this day, like ghosts from my past that are catching up to me, they get closer and closer. Sometimes it feels like those memories caught up to me and they are choking me and I can’t breathe, and I try to yell and the only thing that seems to come out is I’m ready to go. Why do I feel this way, the way that I’ve lost everything, the biggest thing I’ve lost that hurts the most is myself. How do you get something back you don’t even know how you lost it in the first place. How can I move on knowing that their still out there after what they did to me. How is that they walk free and I’m a prisoner in my own mind and body. Sometimes i drift off and zone out and it’s completely silent it’s dark and I don’t even know I do it half the time. I am terrified of sleeping at night sometimes because I know the dreams, the nightmares, the memories are coming back to take me to my past. I don’t know how to do it anymore they’ve taken over my body and mind their in control they took the one thing I thought I could handle myself I guess I was wrong. I wish I didn’t have those memories and I forgot them all. I’ve thought about it would be like to be in a accident and lose my memories and past, for a day or even a hour I’d be the happiest person ever. But that’s not how life works. We’re stuck with our broken selves because like everyone else says it’s what makes us who we are today right. If you have nightmares like I do please know that you’re not alone keep pushing through I know it’s exhausting and you’re tired trust me I am too but here I am still going.
Hope in the Sorrow 