My feelings EVERYDAY

The way I feel everyday. It’s kind of hard to put it in words because I don’t really know how to explain the pain I feel every single day. I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes because I hurt so much and I keep myself from crying and it kills me. But I don’t want to cry anymore. It only satisfies me for a moment then I go back to feeling how I felt before it’s not a release of pain or everything I’ve been holding in. I feel like I’m dying everyday and I just want it to stop. let it be the last time. I feel physically and mentally exhausted and drained. I barely eat and sleep throughout the night because of my dreams, they take over my body and mind. I feel paralyzed. But I still keep going because I know that if I give up I’m just gonna cause others pain. Why would I want to cause others pain when that’s all I feel? But I’m still here for my mom cause I know how she feels. She sees me and sees that I’ve given up. She cries every Sunday morning because she doesn’t know how to help me. What hurts her more is that she knows I don’t want help or do anything to make myself better. She feels hopeless because she can’t help her own daughter. All she wants to do is take my pain, but all I keep saying is I’ll keep trying, but at this point who am I fooling but myself. All she keeps saying is that she want to be in my place but what I say is no, no you don’t because if you were you’d feel what I feel and want to leave this world behind, no matter the good memories the bad ones take over, but people say don’t let them it’s kind hard to do that when it’s already too late. When people ask you what you are most afraid of and someone next to you says spiders and you say yourself or being alone, when you know you’re not alone because there are people that love you and would die for you but mentally you feel alone. You are not alone. I know how you all feel but I’m still here so please stay with me and fight through even if you don’t feel like it.