This year has gotten the best of me. I’ve been through a lot, especially the second semester of school. It has not been easy. My therapist suggested that my mom should put me on an antidepressant for my severe depression and anxiety. My mom of course agreed she’d try anything to help me cause i was getting unstable you could say. Once I got on the medication it was fine for a few days till I started to have panic attacks. My first panic attack was during my 6th period. It lasted about 10 mins, not bad right. I had another one about 5 mins later that one last about 25 mins. I had 2 in one day. The next day I had about 5 and they lasted anywhere from 15 to 1 hour long. I think my longest one was about 1 and 30 mins long. They kept happening for a while then I became unstable with the noise that started triggering them. I honestly didn’t know how much more I could take of them so I decided to just stop taking my medicine. I didn’t do it as I was supposed to, I just stopped and I went a little insane the next day. That wasn’t even all of it. While that was happening at school and home I had other things going I had to deal with that wasn’t very easy. Nothing is ever easy when you have a rough past and have anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a lot of other mental health disorders. All you need to know is that it’s not your fault. Just keep pushing through.
It might not get easier
wish I could say things get easier, but they don’t, they get harder. If you’re at the point where you are safe now just get ready for a long road of recovery. I was saved 7 years ago and I’m still struggling and I’m not gonna lie I feel like it gets harder and harder. I keep trying for my family and especially for my mom and my best friend that’s stayed with me through everything. There’s this quote that I think goes well with what I said “ Stop. Pause. Breathe. Cry if you must. But you must keep going.” If you need to cry that’s fine. Let it all out, it’s better than keeping it all in . There comes a point where it destroys you. It takes over you and turns you into someone that you don’t even recognize, trust me I know. It’ll make things worse. If it doesn’t work after talking about it and you don’t feel any different it’s ok, you’re not the only one. I know exactly what that feels like. Talking about it doesn’t make it go away or change anything . It’s supposed to make us feel better but that’s not true for everyone and that’s ok. It doesn’t always have to be. We just don’t feel like talking about it makes everything better or makes us feel good for letting things out. For me after talking about I feel the same as before I feel nothing, if I do it’s for a moment and that goes away and I feel dead on the inside. It feels like I haven’t said anything to anyone and it changes nothing for me. It changes things for the other person you’re telling this to it’ll give them a better understanding of what you’re going through. but it may not for you and that’s fine. Maybe they can even help in a way, and if they try and it doesn’t work it’s ok. It just shows that they care and want to help. Just know that you are not the only one feeling like that.
I am hurt too…
I know I may seem like any other person saying things to try to help but I know what it’s like and I’m not saying this because I know people who have been through stuff it’s because I’ve been through a lot too. For 10 years of my life. Now I’m trying to fight depression and anxiety, and a lot of other things. Know that you are not alone. Trust me I know that it gets annoying hearing it over and over. But it’s different when it comes from someone that knows what it’s like. Maybe what I’m starting here can make a difference in someone’s life. Maybe it’ll help you open up and feel safe to share what you’re feeling and going through to ask for help.
Feeling exhausted and tired
Feeling exhausted and tired of everything and everyone doesn’t mean you give up or make you weak it just means you’ve put up with it for way too long and you’ve been strong through the hardest things just hold on a little longer. Things are not gonna get easier. They’re gonna get harder as you try to work through everything you are going through and that’s ok. Trust me I’m still working on it myself because if I’m being 100% honest I don’t know if it’ll ever get better. I know it’s hard when everyone looks at you like you’re something to be fixed and they try to help you and fix you. But being fixed is temporary, it’s not forever. We don’t need fixing, we need help. Honestly professionals themselves don’t know how to help us. But we have to keep going because if we give we disappoint a lot of people close to us. So just hang it there and keep fighting.
All you need to know
I have severe depression and anxiety. So trust me when I say you are not the only one. As I share more and more with all of you everyday I’ll tell you more and more about what I’m going through and how I struggle with it. I think we can all help each other. There’s this quote that goes like this “ The more we help each other, the more we all benefit. So go out there. Help others.”
Hope in the Sorrow 