My thoughts take over my mind

I don’t know how to put this except for, I feel like I’m dying day by day, and all I can do is feel myself slip away. I just want to be put out of my misery. All this is doing is torturing me, just let me go. All that goes through my mind is to let me go it’s the best thing you can do for me. When they ask what I want, what I want is to get lost in my nightmares and never come back. I’ve already lived through them half my life. Still living in them right now. You know that moment you hold your breath Under water and you feel like you’re gonna run out of air. That’s how I feel everyday. I’ve gotten so good at hiding it,faking it, keeping it in, that at this point I’m only fooling myself. It kills me knowing that I’ll never be able to get away from my past. It’s like a disease taking more and more away from me. Has anyone ever told you that life’s too short? If so, that’s not completely true, at least not for people who have a hard time. To us life is way too long and we feel like it can’t go any faster. There’s this quote that most of us know and we all probably feel this way. “ life hurts a lot more than death.” That’s how a lot of us feel. The things that go through my mind are things I can’t even explain. Every day I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t recognize the person staring back at me because the disease is taking everything away from me, it’s my identity, my way of caring about anything or anyone. The only thing that it’s left me with is feeling numb. Then there are days where that feeling of feeling numb goes away and everything that was gone comes back up to the surface and crashes me like a wave and I try to keep swimming but it’s so overwhelming that it keeps drowning me and that feeling of gasping for air goes away. Till you hear a voice that tells you to keep swimming and you get back up and the only thing I can think of is why did you save me I was ready to go. What I think about is why keep me here when all I wanna do is dive deep down and never come up. The things that cross my mind I can never get rid of because in a way they feel like they’re a part of me and they’re controlling me, and I’m so scared because I’ve lost control and the worst part is that the thing I’m mostly scared of is myself. It’s like there our two different people living in one body and one’s telling me to keep going and there’s so much to live for, but there’s the other one that terrifies me because it tell me you have nothing to look forward to who are you trying to fool and tells me to keep everything in and brings the worst memories that you couldn’t even imagine of and the only thing i can do is sit there and watch it take my life from me. Like it once did when HE did all those things to me and I just gave up and stayed there. Now it’s happening all over again and the one thing that I’m supposed to have control over I can’t even control it and that’s myself. That’s a shame but the biggest shame is that I want to take my life from me. Wait no. The biggest shame is that I don’t seem to feel guilty for wanting to leave everyone behind. Think of this if you were in my place please tell me you wouldn’t feel the things I feel, tell me you wouldn’t want to leave this world behind, whether you believe that there’s an afterlife , or not, but to me that doesn’t even seem to matter. I feel like I would do them all a favor. Yes they would grieve but years down the road they would move on and not worry about me. I know they all think that I want to take my life away from me and the sad part is they are not wrong. Last time my mother saved my life, and if I’m being 100% honest, if I tried again I don’t know if this time anyone could save me. But it’s ok you don’t have to worry I won’t try it again I’ll keep it in even if I have the urge to do it. But I’ll keep going mom, don’t worry I know it hurts you.