Hope in the Sorrow

Broken Glass

Used for his satisfaction

Thrown away when I’ve accomplished his desires

I’m a glass thrown in a recycling bin

Came back out to satisfy his thirst for pleasure.

The word pleasure doesn’t even get to me I’m so used to it

I’m like a glass that can

shattered in a matter of time

He hides behind a glass full of Shame

Uses me to hide it only ever loved me for my body

He feels this void inside him he doesn’t even know what it is

Scared of what it might mean so he hides behind me giving him pleasure

Insecure about himself uses my body

If only he knew how he ruined me

He left me broken and shattered

Now I’m left to glue my shattered self

Back together but it will never be clean or brand new cause the cracks are shown in my every move but all I can do is hide the cracks cause all it’ll ever do is make me feel shame for what his done and I don’t want to drink from the same glass

I don’t want to be a broken glass anymore but I can never make the cracks disappear cause they’ll always be a part of who I am

I hate that it’s true I wish it weren’t

But it is what it is

Death before my eyes

My memories come and go as they please, but they don’t leave me empty handed they leave me paralyzed. But hey it’s ok right just another day. It’s not like I can do anything about it or know what to say so the best thing to do is pretend like it’s never happened. The scariest place I’ve ever been is my mind. It’s like a maze with a thousand doors and behind each door something traumatic waits for me to turn the door knob and play that memory again. Let’s just start with I’ve seen death,abuse,assault,attempt to murder oh which by the way by my very own narcissistic father. Let’s just say that watching someone die in front of you and seeing how it actually happened isn’t very pleasant. The one thing that comes to mind when that memory comes up is guilt. Why? Because I could have called for help but instead I just watched him die. I also saw him walking towards me as I was going to put something back on an aisle. All I see is this drunk guy walking towards me and getting closer and the next thing I see is him tripping over his feet and falling. He hits his head and it’s slowly bleeding out and all I do is stand there. He wasn’t dead yet I could still see him move as I watched the blood go everywhere he died. I didn’t cry or scream, not even get help. I just turned around and kept walking. My mind is my worst nightmare. It’s my own personal horror show that never ends and has over a 100 episodes. Let’s just say that me and my thoughts don’t get along too well.

Happy Father’s Day

It’s your special day. From the moment I saw you I knew that you would be the dad I’d never had before. We got along right away. I remember you slept on the floor next to the couch with me for a few nights because I wouldn’t stop crying and couldn’t sleep. I remember you carrying me through the store and me throwing up everywhere that was kind of gross but a funny memory I had with you. To be honest I was terrified because I didn’t know what kind of dad you were and honestly sometimes I still am but now it’s in a good way because I’ve never had anyone like you or mom. You’ve changed my life and I hope that you know that. Sometimes I’m surprised you still help me and hang around with everything I’m putting you through and mom. But I’m just glad to have you as my dad. I love all the jokes and funny moments that we have, even the ones when I’m mad at you and crying and you trying to help me. You’ve helped me through so much and it means so much I just don’t know how to really express that towards a lot of people. One of my worst moments was when I had my panic attack and they helped me through it. No one could get through to me but you did and I honestly didn’t think you would but you did. I’m glad that I’m your daughter. I love you dad. Happy Father’s Day.

Trust Issues

For me trust doesn’t come easily. With my past trauma and everything I’ve been through, that’s something that takes a long time for me to give to someone. I’ve had many issues with trust and I’m not saying that I’m good at keeping others’ trust but I guess that’s how I also push people away. But after everything that THEY’VE done to me. I could never trust anyone that easily again and I know that trust isn’t easy for anyone but I guess for me it was on a different level. I tried asking for help and no one believed me so I just kept everything to myself. Look how that turned out not so good. I’m not complaining about the life I live now, it’s just everything that’s happening within me that I hate. It’s ok though life’s supposed to be hard but it’s not supposed to push you off the edge. But I’m working on myself with my parents’ help and a lot of other people. But I don’t know for me just trusting people is very hard especially when I try making friends and they just don’t turn out to be who you’d thought. They act one way with you and a different with some else. That’s why I’ve honestly given up on making friends. I don’t trust anyone one. But it’s ok that’s just something I have to work through. To be honest when I first meet someone and try to be friends I’m very distant but I make it to where they don’t know that. I go along with what they say and see how they respond and act with me to see if I can trust them. I know it sounds wrong but especially now I do it more frequently with everything I’ve gone through lately. I don’t really trust that many people. I’ve distanced myself from a lot of people. But it’s safe to say that my childhood traumas have broke me.

This is also my last post. I’ll post more in a week.

Without Consent

This is something most people don’t know except for my parents. When I was younger and I was with THEM they had family come over. They were relatives and they had a son when he was a teen. I remember everyone was getting ready to sleep and me and my sister were sleeping on the couch. We turned into a bed. We fell asleep watching something and the guy that was staying out there with us stayed on the other couch. But all the sudden I open my eyes and he’s just standing in the doorway looking out and I see him walking towards the bed. He gets behind me and he tries touching me and I sit up and pull away but he wouldn’t stop. So I got up and went to the bathroom and acted like I had to go. But I went back because my sister was still there. When I got back he wasn’t on the bed anymore he moved to the couch. Once I got back in bed I remember him coming back and said that if I got up he’d do something to my sister. So of course I did as I was told. That morning I tried to tell HER but all she said was that I was dreaming. She said that he was stressed and he wouldn’t do something like that. I was heartbroken but of course I also wasn’t surprised that SHE didn’t believe me. But that was also the day I gave up on asking for help. If this happens to you, don’t give up asking for help. The situation I was in wasn’t good or safe. If you are in a similar situation ask someone you trust. I’m not saying all this to make anyone feel bad, that’s the last thing I want. I’m honestly not 100% comfortable doing this and putting my private life out there but I hope that me sharing my story will get someone to open up about theirs and it’ll help someone else.

Push them away

The reason I push everyone away I’ll never really know. Maybe I do it to protect myself or them from getting hurt. If I get too close to someone I start pushing them away. I use to do that with my family and honestly sometimes I feel like I still do. I feel like a part of me shutdown every time I go through something. It hurts having to push myself away from everyone sometimes I don’t even mean to it just happens. My emotions change so you don’t even see it happening. I’ll be laughing and ok and the next I’m quite and have short responses to everything. It’s also a way I’m saying I don’t want to talk. Trust is a hard thing for me to do. At this point honestly everything is. At least I can still trust it takes a long time for me to truly and honestly trust someone. Sometimes it may seem like I don’t but I really don’t. I’ve just gotten good at pretending. But forgiveness is not as easy, especially since I know that a part of me needs to forgive THEM to at least move on a little bit. But I can’t and I won’t. Maybe someday but I really doubt I will. If I can’t forget what THEY did then I can’t forgive THEM. Pushing people Lee away isn’t always a bad thing but in my case it’s not very help specially sense I do it with people I actually care about and that care about me. I try to keep it from happening but sometimes it’s too late. I could say I’m getting better at it but in reality I’m really not. It’s ok I guess it’s just something I’ll have to work on.

Lost

Ever feel like hopeless, empty, worthless. If so I know what that’s like. I feel hopeless because it feels like I’m never gonna get over if you think differently and that I’m wrong I’m not stopping you please tell me. I feel empty because I mentally feel alone and broken. I feel worthless because I feel like I’m no good to anyone. Even though I know that’s not the truth but my mind doesn’t seem to care about that. My emotions are in control of me that’s not how it’s supposed to go. It’s supposed to be the other way around. Every once in a while I’ll start to think to myself. What is it going to be like when I get older. Will I still feel hopeless the answer is yes. The reason is because Im never gonna get back what was taken from me. But no matter how much I wish to change the past or erase my memories I can’t. I think one of the reasons why I’m mad at myself is cause when HE was doing all that stuff I gave up and just did nothing. I know it’s not my fault and there was nothing I could do. But to me that’s something that kills me thinking about and I wish I could of done things differently. Even though there was really nothing else I could do but I’m my mind tells me something else. I can’t stop it from controlling my thought and emotions I try to stop them and freeze them but it’s like I’m playing freeze tag and another memory get to it and unfreezes it. There’s nothing I can do it’s a never ending cycle that I can’t break. If you feel this way know you’re not the only one.

Ever Zone out

Ever have moments where you just zone out of nowhere and you have no idea why. I do and it happens quite often. I’ll just zone and everything goes black. There are times I don’t even know that I’m doing it. Or someone tries to get my attention and I don’t know and can’t snap out of it. It’s pretty terrifying. There’s also times where I just freeze and I can’t think at all. If someone asked me to do something and told me this is how much time I had I wouldn’t be able to do it. My anxiety would take over and make me freak out or like my dad said it might be a self defense mechanism. If I have a lot of things to do at once I’ll freeze because I don’t know where to start or even if I do know I guess I’m just so overwhelmed that It’s like I forget everything. If you block out don’t worry too much about it, find something that calms you down or snaps you out of it. I’m still trying to find what that something is for me.

In Denial

Last year was an interesting year. I guess it was the year where I was in denial about my depression and anxiety. I started acting out and doing things I shouldn’t be or hanging with the wrong group of people. I knew that wasn’t me. But to be honest I didn’t really know who I was. I was lost and in denial. The therapist I was with at the time asked me if I had depression or ever thought of hurting myself. I said no that’s weird it couldn’t be me. Then towards the end of the year everything changed. I realized that I really did have depression and anxiety and any other type of mental health disorder a teen could go through from a traumatic past. But I never told anyone about it, I hadn’t even said it out loud. From there things just got worse. Then this year I had a new therapist who asked me the same thing and I finally decided to say it out loud. I talked to my parents and they both said they would be more worried if I didn’t go through everything when I was young till the age of 10. Once I knew everything I thought I’d feel better that I at least knew but it didn’t really change anything. After my panic attacks started I changed therapists but before I did I went to go get a brain scan and it showed me a lot of things that were wrong that shouldn’t be like that. I also thought it would help me know that it’s not my personality and that I can work on it. But it didn’t help me at all. I just started a game of what if’s. Now I’m with a new therapist and it’s going ok right now. She’s gonna help me control my emotions and learn how to deal with some of the things I’m going through. If you’re in denial it’s ok, so is everyone else. Just take your time to figure out how you want to tell someone but make sure you get help because trust me it’s not easy even with help and to do it alone like I have for a long time makes things worse and more difficult.

Thank you mom

This is to my mom, the one and only, who’s been by my side since the very beginning and will be with me till the end. I know that this is the hardest thing she’s gone through. Especially hearing that I want to take my life, telling her that I’d rather be dead then here. I know that kills her to hear me say that, and to look at my wrist and see that I actually tried to leave her. I know I’m hurting you mom and I’m sorry. I know that you know I’ve given up and that I’m tired of trying but I still keep going for you and I hope you know that without you I wouldn’t be writing this today because I wouldn’t be here without you. I want to thank you for staying with me through everything. Through all the. yelling,negativity,meltdowns,anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and trying to take my life. Thank you for sticking with me through all of it. I know how much it hurts you. I see you cry and I know why so I don’t question it. I look away and act like I didn’t see it because I know that the only way I can help you is for me to believe in the person that can solve everything and for me to keep trying. But what if I told you that I’m never gonna get better? Would break your heart or what if I told you I’m don’t I don’t want help would you stop. The answer is no you wouldn’t cause I’ve tried not all the way but pretty close. it’s always gonna be a part of me, it’s never gonna go away, it’s a memory from my past that I can’t erase. Trust me if I could I would and I’ve tried but it doesn’t work. I want you to know that the reason I’m still going is for you. I know that everything you’ve gone through with me wouldn’t be fair for me to give it all up. I know that me ending this would just cause you pain. That’s the last thing I want to do. I know that I’ve hurt you and that it hurts you because you don’t know how to help me or that I won’t accept it. I know that you think it’s not my fault but part of it is. I’m sorry I’ll keep going for you. Without you I wouldn’t be here without you. I wouldn’t believe anything would get better the way I see myself and the world is not the way a teen should see it. But when you have to grow up at a young age you don’t know how to really and truly enjoy life, especially getting my childhood stolen away from like it was a toy a kid stole. It was taken away so fast and easy. I know it’s in the past but to me I’m still living in the past going through it in my head every day and night. But thank you mom for staying with me.