Push them away

The reason I push everyone away I’ll never really know. Maybe I do it to protect myself or them from getting hurt. If I get too close to someone I start pushing them away. I use to do that with my family and honestly sometimes I feel like I still do. I feel like a part of me shutdown every time I go through something. It hurts having to push myself away from everyone sometimes I don’t even mean to it just happens. My emotions change so you don’t even see it happening. I’ll be laughing and ok and the next I’m quite and have short responses to everything. It’s also a way I’m saying I don’t want to talk. Trust is a hard thing for me to do. At this point honestly everything is. At least I can still trust it takes a long time for me to truly and honestly trust someone. Sometimes it may seem like I don’t but I really don’t. I’ve just gotten good at pretending. But forgiveness is not as easy, especially since I know that a part of me needs to forgive THEM to at least move on a little bit. But I can’t and I won’t. Maybe someday but I really doubt I will. If I can’t forget what THEY did then I can’t forgive THEM. Pushing people Lee away isn’t always a bad thing but in my case it’s not very help specially sense I do it with people I actually care about and that care about me. I try to keep it from happening but sometimes it’s too late. I could say I’m getting better at it but in reality I’m really not. It’s ok I guess it’s just something I’ll have to work on.