The ACT

The act that I put on everyday is something I wish I didn’t do. But I’ve gotten so used to faking how I feel in front of others that it’s kind of just a natural thing now and it’s hard. Look at the people I care about and tell them I’m fine. When I know I’m far from it. The word ok doesn’t even exist in my dictionary. I may say it but never mean it. It sucks going to family gatherings or places with crowds because the little things get under my skin and it eats at me till I freak but it’s ok. I keep it in but like my mom says control your frustration. But I don’t know how to explain it because the level of frustration and irritation that I feel is unbearable. I get the urge to scream and rip my hair out but I keep it all in till my hands start shaking. But it’s ok I put on a mask for the world because they don’t need to know the pain that I go through. It’ll make no difference to me whether they know or don’t. It’ll just change the fact that they know and make them feel sorry for me which is something I don’t want. I don’t need their pity. How I feel is unexplainable, the fake act is uncalled for, but to me it’s reasonable enough to keep it going. It is right no of course not but that’s all I’ve known since I told myself this is how it’s gonna be. My pain and trauma isn’t gonna disappear. The memories are gonna haunt me till the day I die. How I keep myself from crying in front of everyone and act like I’m ok or say I’m just tired, it’s an ACT. The way I sometimes smile, it’s an ACT. When someone tries to talk to me and I seem interested or try to respond but the only things that come out are short answers, it’s all fake. My own mom doesn’t even know what to believe anymore; she doesn’t know when I’m ok or not. At this point I think she’s figured out that I’m not at all. The way I walk into a room of people and I’m already annoyed without anyone saying a word or even looking at me.What kills me is not understanding why it happens. It just makes no sense there are times where it’s not always like that or maybe it’s all just another act. At this point I think I’m fooling myself. But like I said it’s ok right? I don’t know if I’ll ever truly move on but all I know is that I can keep trying. Even if it’s not for myself and it’s for the ones I love. Even if I don’t even think I truly know what that word means anymore at least me trying for them means that I love them. I try to not pretend and some days I really don’t. But the days I don’t feel myself is the day I act the most.