Thank you mom

This is to my mom, the one and only, who’s been by my side since the very beginning and will be with me till the end. I know that this is the hardest thing she’s gone through. Especially hearing that I want to take my life, telling her that I’d rather be dead then here. I know that kills her to hear me say that, and to look at my wrist and see that I actually tried to leave her. I know I’m hurting you mom and I’m sorry. I know that you know I’ve given up and that I’m tired of trying but I still keep going for you and I hope you know that without you I wouldn’t be writing this today because I wouldn’t be here without you. I want to thank you for staying with me through everything. Through all the. yelling,negativity,meltdowns,anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and trying to take my life. Thank you for sticking with me through all of it. I know how much it hurts you. I see you cry and I know why so I don’t question it. I look away and act like I didn’t see it because I know that the only way I can help you is for me to believe in the person that can solve everything and for me to keep trying. But what if I told you that I’m never gonna get better? Would break your heart or what if I told you I’m don’t I don’t want help would you stop. The answer is no you wouldn’t cause I’ve tried not all the way but pretty close. it’s always gonna be a part of me, it’s never gonna go away, it’s a memory from my past that I can’t erase. Trust me if I could I would and I’ve tried but it doesn’t work. I want you to know that the reason I’m still going is for you. I know that everything you’ve gone through with me wouldn’t be fair for me to give it all up. I know that me ending this would just cause you pain. That’s the last thing I want to do. I know that I’ve hurt you and that it hurts you because you don’t know how to help me or that I won’t accept it. I know that you think it’s not my fault but part of it is. I’m sorry I’ll keep going for you. Without you I wouldn’t be here without you. I wouldn’t believe anything would get better the way I see myself and the world is not the way a teen should see it. But when you have to grow up at a young age you don’t know how to really and truly enjoy life, especially getting my childhood stolen away from like it was a toy a kid stole. It was taken away so fast and easy. I know it’s in the past but to me I’m still living in the past going through it in my head every day and night. But thank you mom for staying with me.